How it works.

I often spend my days with more thoughts than I can handle. I have been blessed with one of those brains that is always working. I find many of my thougts come in random and associated moments. I have tried many times to write these things down as they come. Sometimes in the form of poems, letters, stories & just notes of my thoughts. For years I have kept diary's and journals hoping it would help in some way. It has helped me in communicating with my husband and some family but has still not brought any order or routine to my thought process.
All of this said I have still not given up. I will continue to share what I feel and how I think with those who love me and can understand it. I will continue to tell others as I am sure I am not the only one plaqued with this problem.  There are many things I have to say, things that are relavent in the world. Things that are relavent to my family, friends & even others. Sometimes sadly though it takes me a bit longer to work them into words that make sense to others.
The only times I seem to not have these issue's is surrounding things that make me angry. Hurt a child, animal or the elderly and there is no stutter in my thoughts. Hurt someone I love and I have no need for a second thought, I know exactly how I feel. I think this is because deep inside I know that I am one person. I have convictions, values & morals that have built me into a person who cares very much about the world around her but is not willing to pay with the things that mean the most to me in order to change it all. Many would call it settling but I am no longer a young woman, a girl. My personal life can be testy at times but all in all my life is beautiful and blessed beyond what I coud have ever imagined when I started out years ago as a dumb, love stuck, thought I knew it all and hated the world teenager.
I'm sure if I stopped caring more about spending every moment of my life now surrounded myself with as much personal happiness as I can I would worry more about the huge picture that most don't even consider. This would be one of my deepest sorces of guilt as well. I often think about how many people in the world really do get it. How many even see a glimps of what reality really is ? Am I deluding myself in thinking I am one of few ?  If this is the case I suppose I am saying I suffer from some sort of self importance. If I am correct I am admitting to seeing something in myself that I honestly dislike in most people. A person who is unwilling to make personal sacrifices for the greater good.
I have subjected myslef to so many self examinations in my lifetime.  Many times in my life that I have literally had to change who I was to live in this world and what it has handed me. I do not bode well in these cases as I am a firm believer in being true to yourself and standing your ground. I found that hard sometimes as I did not want my children or those I loved to suffer from my convictions. So if you have bothered to read this through I'm sure you understand that the How it works title was referring to my thought processes. This was nessasary for me so that people who do choose to follow my postings will understand why I don't post on a reg. basis. I will post as I collect and compile my thoughs, please be patient ;)